The Cleveland Sports Mimes

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I am Woman. Hear Me Roar.

As the Mummer knows, I have some issues with women's sports. For the most part, I am not a macho guy. One good look at me and you will understand that. It's not that I think women aren’t athlete’s or that women’s sports aren’t actually sports. If you want to watch pure basketball, women’s basketball is where it’s at. They pass, they play defense and they even shoot well. The problem is, it’s boring. I don’t want to see a fast break end with a wicked reverse lay-up. I want to see a two handed, reverse windmill, take-off from the free throw line dunk. The kind that makes the backboard shake like Christina Aguillera getting her monthly STD test at the free clinic.

If you want the god’s honest truth, politically correctness is the main reason I despise women’s sports. Title IX may have done “great things” for women’s sports. The problem is, women’s sports don’t make money. They need the men’s teams to support their teams. Yet we have to cut men’s sports so that UTEP can have a chick Cricket team. Even worse, ESPN and the other three major networks force it down our throats. If we wanted to see women’s sports, there would be more then 10 fans at a WNBA game. The numbers don’t lie.

The reason for this little rant is You know how they do their picture features? Well I stumbled across one that was dedicated to the best female athletes in the world. I shant bore you with all 23. There are only 3 that I am interested in.

#1 – Danica Patrick. First-off, drivers are not athletes. They are very talented at what they do. But they are not athletes. I know what you’re going to say, “You couldn’t do what they do!”. You are absolutely right. I couldn’t. I also can’t solve equations. Does that mean the UCLA Match team is chock full of “athletes”? Second, she has won exactly one race. ONE! One stinking race! To be fair, that is one more win the Ana Kournikova has.

#7 - Paula Radcliffe. I have posted her picture below. Is that really what an athlete looks like? She looks like she should be in a Sally Struthers commercial.

On a side note, how did she squeeze that kid out without breaking every bone in her body?

#17 - Jessica Long. No jokes here. This is some serious stuff. Here is what had to say: “Long, a bilateral below-the-knee amputee, won the 2007 Sullivan Award and was named USA Swimming's Disability Swimmer of the Year. Long, who began swimming competitively in 2002, won three gold medals at the '04 Paralympic Games and will be looking for more in Beijing.”

Both of her legs have been amputated just below the knee. She is incredible. She is an inspiration. But apparently, she is not as talented as Danica Patrick. I am stunned.