The Cleveland Sports Mimes

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Good Mime / Bad Mime

I initiated an email conversation with the LMoH the other day because of a article that said the Browns are interested in Beanie Wells. I say it would be a good pick, he disagrees. A conversation like this would be great for a radio show or podcast but since both of us have a face for radio and a voice for print, we’ll just let you read along. Keep in mind, quoted stats were done on the fly and may or may not be 100% accurate.

Mummer: This is good news for everybody in Cleveland.

LMoH: That is terrible news. You don’t NEED a running back right now. You WANT a running back right now. You NEED HELP DEFENSIVELY. Beanie Wells isn’t going to add another three or four wins next season. A solid linebacker and a solid DB just might. You are an idiot.
Oh and by the way, Lewis did go for 1,000 yards last year on a team that won four or five games. That’s pretty damn impressive. I say again… you sir… are an idiot.

Mummer: If you HAVE a top 5 PICK, you do NOT draft out OF need. You draft THE best player available. If WELLS is the best PLAYER available, you DRAFT him. You’re CAPITALIZATION of key WORDS makes me want TO slap you with a WHALES vagina.

LMoH: Two words…Willie Green.

Mummer: Willie Green was not NFL ready.

LMoH: You Ohio State fans are ridiculous. They are throwing a draft pick away by drafting him, even if he does become a Pro Bowl RB.

Mummer: Look at what Chris Johnson, Jonathan Stewart and Michael Turner did for their teams. I want that.

LMoH: I will grant you that. By the way, the Lions drafted the best player on the board four years in a row. I believe they went 0-16 last season. Maybe they should have drafted out of need a little more. I am stunned to hear you talk this way; you’re too smart for this.

Mummer: You are wrong there. The Lions didn’t have a top ten draft pick last year, I believe they had a mid-first round pick. The year before that was Megatron, the only reason they were competitive last year, and I’m not sure who they drafted in 2006. It was the years before that when they made the ignorant decisions to take Mike Williams and Charles Rogers. Either way, neither of those guys were top five picks. Wells however, is a top five pick. He is Larry Johnson reincarnated.

LMoH: My bad, but I’m sure you get the point though. And if by saying Beanie Wells is “Larry Johson reincarnated” you mean a running back that can only run behind an All-Pro line and is a cancer in the locker room, then sign me up. Sounds like a top five guy to me.

Mummer: You know what I mean. He has Larry Johnson-like skills.
In his defense, the O-Line he ran behind at OSU was sub-par and he still put up solid numbers. He’s the most NFL ready RB in the draft this year. Moreno is terrible.

LMoH: Because he is the most NFL ready running back doesn’t make him a top five pick. Lewis, Harrison and Wright are more than adequate RB’s. You have to fix the defense to be competitive. I could be wrong, but I believe three of the final four teams last year had defenses ranked one, two, and four. Even the much maligned Cardinals defense played impressive football throughout the playoffs. Like I said, I could be wrong.

Mummer: I agree that they need a linebacker, but I don’t know if you can take a LB at the fifth spot in this years draft. They absolutely can’t take Jenkins, that would be too high for him. That’s why I think Wells fits.

LMoH: Then trade down and get Rey Maualuga. We both agree he helps this team right now. I strongly disagree that Wells can help the team from day one.

Mummer: Wells is a much better long term option for the team. You get him for six years, Lewis has maybe two left in his tank. Guys like Wells don’t come around very often.

LMoH: You are killing me. You win with defense so start building it now. Every team in the league understands that you win with defense except the Browns, Lions and Bengals. They all did really well last year.

Mummer: You’re sarcasm in print makes you sound incompetent, not far off from how you come across in person. That being said, you can build a good defense in the second, third, and fourth, rounds. Look at Bob Sanders…2nd round, Joey Porter…3rd round, Jared Allen…4th round, James Harrison…undrafted. Not to mention, D’Qwell Jackson led the league in tackles last year, our linebackers aren’t terrible. We need a RB first, then DB.

LMoH: You disgust me, this whole thing disgusts me. If the Browns draft Wells I am done with them. DONE! The only team I will root for is the *Removed*, my fantasy team.
(Editors Note: In the interest of anonymity I will not post his fantasy football team name. But let’s just say it rhymes with “Dong Swallowing All-Star”.)

Mummer: The Defense was better than the Offense last year. That is fact.

LMoH: Which brings me to segment I’d like to steal outright from Saturday Night Live titled “Really, the Defense was better than the Offense, with the LMoH”

They gave up 20 or more points eight times, and 14 or more points thirteen times.
Really? They’re gonna win a Super Bowl with a defense that gets worked harder than that crusty towel in your closet?
They recorded 0 sacks in 6 games, and 1 sack in 5 games.
Really? Dakota Fanning has seen more sacks and she’s five.
They gave up 300 or more yards to a quarterback twice, including 400+ once, and 250+ four times.
Really? No wonder Derek Anderson was the starter for so long, he must have looked like Joe Montana in practice.
They gave up 150 yards to a single rusher three times, 100 yards or more eight times. And 80 or more yards ten times.
Really? I don’t have anything funny to say about that…it’s just sad.
They gave up 80 yards or more to a single receiver fourteen times, 90 or more ten times, 100 yards six times, and 150 twice.
Really? Wait a minute, I thought Crennel was a defensive guru.

So fine, the Defense might have been better than the Offense, but let’s face it, that isn’t saying much. Cleveland has drafted a player on Offense with 7 out of their 10 first round picks since they came back. Their record in that span is 54-106 with TWO seasons above 500. Maybe it’s time to try something a little different.

Mummer: Dakota Fanning is still five years old?

LMoH: Also, look at some of the top rushers for this year.

2. Michael Turner RB, ATL Drafted: 5th round
4. Clinton Portis RB, WAS Drafted: 2nd round
6. Steve Slaton RB, HOU Drafted: 3rd round
7. Matt Forte RB, CHI Drafted: 2nd round
9. Ryan Grant RB, GNB Drafted: N/A
11. Brandon Jacobs RB, NYG Drafted: 4th round
14. Frank Gore RB, SFO Drafted: 3rd
15. Derrick Ward RB, NYG Drafted: 7th round

Mummer: I refuse to believe that there is another player out there who will be as good as Wells when the pick gets to us. We need a RB of the future. We’ve needed one for the last 10 years. Defensive backs and linebackers are a dime a dozen. The Browns passed on LT a few years back as well…just an FYI.

LMoH: Yeah, they also passed on Adrian Peterson, both were good decisions at the time.

Mummer: If you have a chance to take either of those guys, who in my opinion are two of the best RB’s the NFL has seen over the last 15 years, you have to take them. I truly believe Beanie will be a great NFL RB, especially in the cold weather of Cleveland. He’s a cross between Peterson and Jacobs.

I rest my case.

Hey Vern!

Tyler Perry is a fraud. When will Hollywood realize he is ripping off the Ernest franchise?

PEACE! is reporting the Cavs are exploring a trade that would bring Antawn Jamison to Cleveland. Story Here.

All I have to say is it was nice knowing you Wally. Allow me and pretty much everyone else in Cleveland to help you pack and get your ass on the next flight to D.C.

Breaking News:

Brett Favre retires while the world mourns and Wrangler stocks plummet.

Don't believe me?

Look at this, and this, and this, and this, and this, and this, and this, and this, and this, and this, and this, and this, and this, and this, and this, and this, and this, and this.

Good Luck with All That

You know who's ecstatic about this A-Rod story?
This mother fucker is accused of snorting coke off a toilet seat! In a public bathroom no less! If you were to give me $100 bucks to bend over and sniff a public toilet seat I'd tell you to go fuck your mother. I'd rather have a dead clown fall out of my pee hole than do that shit. But this guy not only gets that close but goes even further by putting his nose to the seat to get the coke! Unbelievable story and it's been buried because A-Rod tested positive for being a douche bag. Can we please get a photo of this bathroom stall? I really hope it looks something like this.

Something to Stare At

What's the one thing that our blog is lacking? If you're first thought was humor, or intelligent conversation, then you sir can go fuck yourself. I feel our blog is lacking some good looking ladies. So to rectify this, we're going to start posting our celebrity sports girl of the week. To start it off, here is Ms. Alicia Sacramone from the US Olympics squad. She's fantastic.

Also, we're not against putting up a non-celebrity as the "Something to Stare At" girl of the week. ESPN has Erin Andrews, has Peter King (Here's one thing I think I're a douche), and now we need our girl. Female readers please unite and send us your picture so you can become the official "Cleveland Sports Mimes Girl".

For more pictures to stare at, check this out.

Crunch Time

Photo Courtesy of

Take a look at that picture. It's Anquan Boldin before and after the hit by Eric Smith that collapsed his face. I know it doesn't look like much, but that was a vicious hit and Eric Smith isn't exactly known for stuff like that. My question to you is this...that face can't be completely healed, so if Ryan Clark were to hit him like he hit Wes Welker or Willis McGahee, would Boldin's stitches and bolts explode on the spot to make him look something more like this?

Captain Retardo

So, have you seen this commercial for Discovery Channel's new show "One Way Out"? It shows Jonathan Goodwin, the host and escapologist, getting out of sticky situations and ends with him putting a scorpion in his mouth than having it duct taped shut. Fucking brilliant! I love escape artists almost as much as I love snow and dog shit. However, this guy calling himself an escape artist is like me calling myself a Jedi Knight. His first show features a stunt where he locks himself in an office and needs to escape, but fails. Okay that's fine, they want to show he won't succeed every week, I get that. But shouldn't he succeed at something!?! Check out this clip.

(The good part comes at the 4:40 mark)

Wait. What? Go To Retail Store? Go to hell!

Here is one of the few non sports related posts I will share with you. I watched my father by a 37" Sharp Aquos at HHGregg last night. It made me insanely jealous. Jealous to the point that I  began to wonder if I might get in the event "something should happen to him." Just kidding Pops. Kind of. So I spent much of this morning cruising the net looking for the gem that would become my new television once I get my income tax refund. Liking the prices I saw at HHGregg last night, I decided to roll over to their website where I was greeted with this bullshit.
Note the price of said television. "See retail store for price". Aren't they completely missing the point of the Internet. What kind of horse shit is this? It's 10 degrees out and has been snowing non-stop for a week. See retail store for price? Fuck you! I'll go to where i can make the purchase online and then pick it up at the store conveniently located at the end of my street. 

NFL Playoff Predictions

For the remainder of the season we’re going to abandon the way we’ve done picks thus far. Right now I’m three games behind the LMoH and the only way I can tie him is to pick the opposite of what he likes. That being said he likes the favorites in both games today.

Philadelphia at Arizona (PHI -1)
Baltimore at Pittsburgh (PIT -2)

Personally, I couldn’t be happier with these picks. I’m in love with Arizona right now, it just looks like they can do no wrong and I’ll take Kurt Warner over McNabb in a championship game any day of the week. As for Baltimore/Pittsburgh, I was on the fence about both so either team is fine by me. My perfect scenario for this game is both starting QB’s get injured early and Troy Smith comes to the rescue and posts the single greatest playoff performance ever. I truly believe he is better than Joe Flacco. Fingers crossed!