I initiated an email conversation with the LMoH the other day because of a SI.com article that said the Browns are interested in Beanie Wells. I say it would be a good pick, he disagrees. A conversation like this would be great for a radio show or podcast but since both of us have a face for radio and a voice for print, we’ll just let you read along. Keep in mind, quoted stats were done on the fly and may or may not be 100% accurate.


Mummer: This is good news for everybody in Cleveland.

LMoH: That is terrible news. You don’t NEED a running back right now. You WANT a running back right now. You NEED HELP DEFENSIVELY. Beanie Wells isn’t going to add another three or four wins next season. A solid linebacker and a solid DB just might. You are an idiot.
Oh and by the way, Lewis did go for 1,000 yards last year on a team that won four or five games. That’s pretty damn impressive. I say again… you sir… are an idiot.

Mummer: If you HAVE a top 5 PICK, you do NOT draft out OF need. You draft THE best player available. If WELLS is the best PLAYER available, you DRAFT him. You’re CAPITALIZATION of key WORDS makes me want TO slap you with a WHALES vagina.

LMoH: Two words…Willie Green.

Mummer: Willie Green was not NFL ready.

LMoH: You Ohio State fans are ridiculous. They are throwing a draft pick away by drafting him, even if he does become a Pro Bowl RB.

Mummer: Look at what Chris Johnson, Jonathan Stewart and Michael Turner did for their teams. I want that.

LMoH: I will grant you that. By the way, the Lions drafted the best player on the board four years in a row. I believe they went 0-16 last season. Maybe they should have drafted out of need a little more. I am stunned to hear you talk this way; you’re too smart for this.

Mummer: You are wrong there. The Lions didn’t have a top ten draft pick last year, I believe they had a mid-first round pick. The year before that was Megatron, the only reason they were competitive last year, and I’m not sure who they drafted in 2006. It was the years before that when they made the ignorant decisions to take Mike Williams and Charles Rogers. Either way, neither of those guys were top five picks. Wells however, is a top five pick. He is Larry Johnson reincarnated.

LMoH: My bad, but I’m sure you get the point though. And if by saying Beanie Wells is “Larry Johson reincarnated” you mean a running back that can only run behind an All-Pro line and is a cancer in the locker room, then sign me up. Sounds like a top five guy to me.

Mummer: You know what I mean. He has Larry Johnson-like skills.
In his defense, the O-Line he ran behind at OSU was sub-par and he still put up solid numbers. He’s the most NFL ready RB in the draft this year. Moreno is terrible.

LMoH: Because he is the most NFL ready running back doesn’t make him a top five pick. Lewis, Harrison and Wright are more than adequate RB’s. You have to fix the defense to be competitive. I could be wrong, but I believe three of the final four teams last year had defenses ranked one, two, and four. Even the much maligned Cardinals defense played impressive football throughout the playoffs. Like I said, I could be wrong.

Mummer: I agree that they need a linebacker, but I don’t know if you can take a LB at the fifth spot in this years draft. They absolutely can’t take Jenkins, that would be too high for him. That’s why I think Wells fits.

LMoH: Then trade down and get Rey Maualuga. We both agree he helps this team right now. I strongly disagree that Wells can help the team from day one.

Mummer: Wells is a much better long term option for the team. You get him for six years, Lewis has maybe two left in his tank. Guys like Wells don’t come around very often.

LMoH: You are killing me. You win with defense so start building it now. Every team in the league understands that you win with defense except the Browns, Lions and Bengals. They all did really well last year.

Mummer: You’re sarcasm in print makes you sound incompetent, not far off from how you come across in person. That being said, you can build a good defense in the second, third, and fourth, rounds. Look at Bob Sanders…2nd round, Joey Porter…3rd round, Jared Allen…4th round, James Harrison…undrafted. Not to mention, D’Qwell Jackson led the league in tackles last year, our linebackers aren’t terrible. We need a RB first, then DB.

LMoH: You disgust me, this whole thing disgusts me. If the Browns draft Wells I am done with them. DONE! The only team I will root for is the *Removed*, my fantasy team.
(Editors Note: In the interest of anonymity I will not post his fantasy football team name. But let’s just say it rhymes with “Dong Swallowing All-Star”.)

Mummer: The Defense was better than the Offense last year. That is fact.

LMoH: Which brings me to segment I’d like to steal outright from Saturday Night Live titled “Really, the Defense was better than the Offense, with the LMoH”

Really?
They gave up 20 or more points eight times, and 14 or more points thirteen times.
Really? They’re gonna win a Super Bowl with a defense that gets worked harder than that crusty towel in your closet?
They recorded 0 sacks in 6 games, and 1 sack in 5 games.
Really? Dakota Fanning has seen more sacks and she’s five.
They gave up 300 or more yards to a quarterback twice, including 400+ once, and 250+ four times.
Really? No wonder Derek Anderson was the starter for so long, he must have looked like Joe Montana in practice.
They gave up 150 yards to a single rusher three times, 100 yards or more eight times. And 80 or more yards ten times.
Really? I don’t have anything funny to say about that…it’s just sad.
They gave up 80 yards or more to a single receiver fourteen times, 90 or more ten times, 100 yards six times, and 150 twice.
Really? Wait a minute, I thought Crennel was a defensive guru.

So fine, the Defense might have been better than the Offense, but let’s face it, that isn’t saying much. Cleveland has drafted a player on Offense with 7 out of their 10 first round picks since they came back. Their record in that span is 54-106 with TWO seasons above 500. Maybe it’s time to try something a little different.

Mummer: Dakota Fanning is still five years old?

LMoH: Also, look at some of the top rushers for this year.

2. Michael Turner RB, ATL Drafted: 5th round
4. Clinton Portis RB, WAS Drafted: 2nd round
6. Steve Slaton RB, HOU Drafted: 3rd round
7. Matt Forte RB, CHI Drafted: 2nd round
9. Ryan Grant RB, GNB Drafted: N/A
11. Brandon Jacobs RB, NYG Drafted: 4th round
14. Frank Gore RB, SFO Drafted: 3rd
15. Derrick Ward RB, NYG Drafted: 7th round

Mummer: I refuse to believe that there is another player out there who will be as good as Wells when the pick gets to us. We need a RB of the future. We’ve needed one for the last 10 years. Defensive backs and linebackers are a dime a dozen. The Browns passed on LT a few years back as well…just an FYI.

LMoH: Yeah, they also passed on Adrian Peterson, both were good decisions at the time.

Mummer: If you have a chance to take either of those guys, who in my opinion are two of the best RB’s the NFL has seen over the last 15 years, you have to take them. I truly believe Beanie will be a great NFL RB, especially in the cold weather of Cleveland. He’s a cross between Peterson and Jacobs.

I rest my case.

Yes, we’re a little behind in addressing the recent layoffs for the Cleveland Browns. But in our defense, we’re both incredibly lazy and I’m almost 99% sure no one even reads this stuff. That being said, no one saw the Crennel and Savage firings as shocking news material. When you’re team doesn’t score an offensive touchdown the last six weeks of the season, it’s a pretty good bet that you’re shit is gonna be on the front lawn the day after the season ends.

So now the Browns are on the hunt for the next coach that will lead us to the promised land. Will it be Mangini? Maybe Cowher has a change of heart? How about landing the over hyped Shannahan? The latest reports say that it will be Mangini and Scott Pioli from the Patriots with Crennel being brought back as the Defensive Coordinator. Not a bad scenario.

What are your thoughts?

Alright kiddies, you’re gonna get one monstrous version of our picks this week. Because the NFL is now playing games on Saturday, we figured it best to just put out one large post with all the picks.
Before we get to the picks though, did anyone see Stu Scott on Monday Night Football? He was holding a green and white golf umbrella down on the sidelines during the game. As soon as I saw that I immediately thought “Scary Poppins”. That eye isn’t doing anyone any favors. If someone has a picture of this, please send it to me.

On to the picks.


Thursday Night Dickhead Game of the Week
Sponsored by Stewart Scott’s Creepy Ass Eyeball
Indianapolis at Jacksonville (IND -8.5)
Mummer: Jacksonville
Unless the Colts jump into a time machine, I don’t see them beating anyone by 9.

LMoH: Colts
I do like the Colts. With or without Joseph Addai. I think they are poised to make a big run here at the end of the season.

Game of the Week
Carolina at New York Giants (CAR -4.5)
Mummer: New York Giants
There are easily three great match-ups for this week. Ultimately, this one should provide the most action. I’m completely sold on DeAngelo Williams, he’s a freak.

LMoH: Giants
I think it comes down to Brandon Jacobs. The Giants go as he goes.

Irrelevant Game of the Week
Houston at Oakland (HOU -4)
Mummer: Houston
I gave serious consideration to combining the “Irrelevant” game and the “Hometown” game to create the “Shittiest Hometown Game of the Century”. Lucky for the Browns, it would have fucked with the format we’ve been going with for the past few weeks.

LMoH: Texans
Really? -4? Really?

Hometown Game of the Week
Cincinnati at Cleveland (EVEN)
Mummer: Cleveland
I’ve been sitting here for 15 minutes trying to think of something to say about this game. I’ve got nothing.

LMoH: Bengals
See post titled "I have a question".

The Rest
Baltimore at Dallas (DAL -1)
Mummer: Baltimore
LMoH: Cowboys

New Orleans at Detroit (NO -5.5)
Mummer: New Orleans
LMoH: Lions
Editor's note: I will be picking the Lion's this week and next. They are going to win a game and I am going to take credit for picking it.

Pittsburgh at Tennessee (PIT -5)
Mummer: Pittsburgh
LMoH: Steelers

Miami at Kansas City (MIA -6)
Mummer: Miami
LMoH: Dolphins

San Francisco at St. Louis (SF -4)
Mummer: St. Louis
LMoH: Niners

Arizona at New England (NE -3)
Mummer: New England
LMoH: Patriots

San Diego at Tampa Bay (TB -3)
Mummer: Tampa Bay
LMoH: Bucs

New York Jets at Seattle (NYJ -3.5)
Mummer: New York Jets
LMoH: Seahawks
Editor's note: Make sure you take part in Brett Farve's 4th farewell tour.

Buffalo at Denver (DEN -2.5)
Mummer: Buffalo
LMoH: Bronco's

Philadelphia at Washington (PHI -5.5)
Mummer: Philadelphia
LMoH: Redskins

Atlanta at Minnesota (MIN -2)
Mummer: Minnesota
LMoH: Falcons

Green Bay at Chicago (CHI -7)
Mummer: Chicago
LMoH: Packers

Let’s jump right into this. Kellen Winslow lost that game last night. His fumble in the 4th quarter leads to a TD, and then he lets the ball slip through his hands to end the game. I can’t be the only one that feels he’s way overdue for a blanket party. Willie McGinest needs to get this done.

Oh and while we’re at it, can we get Brandon McDonald a bed out there? He was sleepwalking through the entire game! Then, just to make sure everyone knew that he was tired he lays down in the end zone to take a nap so Brandon Marshall could kill my hopes of having a good fantasy and reality weekend.

Why do Joe Paterno press conferences look like they are being broadcast from 1973? I keep waiting for the camera to pull back on Joe Pa to reveal Linda Lovelace and Harry Reems standing in the background.

The Nike commercial with LT and Troy Polamalu might be the greatest commercial in years. Rivaled only by last years “Leave Nothing” commercial with Steven Jackson and Shawn Merriman where they leap through different games while going the length of the football field.

Speaking of great commercials, do yourself a favor and burn an hour perusing this site.

Jim Carrey has obviously reached the end of his career. Why else would he remake "Liar, Liar"?

And finally, the Little Mime of Hate and I had a little disagreement as to whether or not Chris Meloni is in “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III”, more affectionately known as “Turtles in Time”. I maintain that he is, but he proved me wrong by emailing me the cast from IMDB.com. I know Meloni is in this movie, and before you respond saying that I’m mistaking him for Elias Koteas, know that I am aware of the difference and still maintain that Meloni is in the movie. My homework for you the reader is to go rent “TMNT 3” and tell me if Meloni is in it. I don’t want to waste the money.

You ready for this America!?!

Kellen Winslow
The Browns suspended Kellen Winslow without pay for Sunday’s game against the Jags because he lashed out against the organization. Every once in a while I will scroll thru the message boards to see what people are saying about different stories. I was shocked at what I read this week. The overall support that Winslow is receiving from both the media and the fans is frightening to me. While I agree that the Browns aren’t exactly innocent in this whole charade, it is never acceptable as an employee to publically bash your organization. It’s a lose-lose situation for everyone involved. It makes the Browns look bad and it makes Winslow look bad. The ordeal should have been handled in house. Joe football fan should never have sniffed this story. If the Browns asked Winslow to cover up a Staph infection, the Browns are scum bags. Having said that, the Browns have been pretty good with Winslow considering that he only seems to make it thru an entire seasons when Haley’s Comet is visible.

The Bounty
There is a lot of talk this week about the “The Bounty” that Ray Lewis and Terrell Suggs had on Rashard Mendenhalh and Hines Ward. While I think both of the Ravens linebackers are thugs that the league would be better off without, who cares. The hit on Mendenhall was clean and they never got to Ward. The bottom line is, if they are playing clean football, what’s the problem? Now, if they start going after some guy on the sidelines that's hobbling around on crutches, there might be a problem.

And you thought your sports world was in disarray
Things in Michigan are so bad right now, that hard working, red-blooded American men have turned to self mutilation. Uncle Rico has to get the Wolverines turned around quickly. If only to save the genitalia of the Wolverine Nation.
October 17, 2008: Saginaw News:
A 29-year-old Michigan man was been jailed over the weekend for "receiving sexual favors from a vacuum" at a car wash, the Saginaw News reports. The policeman who—responding to a call of "someone acting suspicious"—discovered the man in the act said, "I've seen some strange things, but this is the weirdest thing I ever heard."

Brett Farve
So my favorite attention whore sold his soul to the Detroit Lions. While I have long questioned his character, I now find myself questioning is decision making abilities. Farve could have given the Lions the current Packers playbook and signal book and the results would have been the same. What was he thinking?

So, I was getting ready to write this great post about how all three of the Cincinnati Bengals QB's look like they were expelled from the same uterus. Here I come to find out, two of them actually were! How was this not a bigger story? And why in the name of holy fuck isn't their a Manning Bros. vs. Palmer Bros. Double-Stuffed Oreo's rivalry!? The Palmer Bros., which by the way sound more like a heating and cooling team, really missed the boat on that one. And could Fitzpatrick look any more like he just rolled out of bed after a night of being force-fed bong water by frat guys?

As for the game, and I'm using that term loosely, that was played on Sunday, I think Anderson may have finally, possibly, kind of turned the corner for us this season. It sucks that this comes before the bye week, but at this point I'll take anything. I fully believe that if Anderson didn't do something to help us win that game, we would be hearing that Brady Quinn is now the starter and will have two weeks to prepare for his first opponent. It would have been a perfect scenario, except for the fact that his first opponent would be the New York Giants. That's definitely not a team you want Quinn to get his feet wet with. But then again, is there a team remaining on our schedule that you would want him to start against? It's gonna get really ugly before this season is over.

This morning I was scouring ESPN for any sort of positive press about the Cleveland Browns season. Unfortunately, I came up empty. That is unless you count the article that talks about how Quinn's shot at the starting job may come this week. What I did find interesting though was an ESPN Page 2 Poll Question that asked which team had the best shot of going 0-16.

Notice the teams to the left and the varied colors across the board. While I wasn't shocked that Ohio voted for the "Some Ohio Team" option, I was shocked to see that Maine was colored yellow. But take a closer look at Maine's vote total.

Well, I for one would like to say just one thing. Fuck you Guy from Maine!

Here are some quick hits from this weekend’s football weekend.

*The Steelers looked REALLY good.
*Ohio State and the Browns did not. I’ll touch one the Brown’s a little more later.
*Washington/BYU - How is flipping the football over your head a 15 yard penalty?
*Notre Dame, despite their victory, continues to be a joke. How does Weiss continue to get the benefit of the doubt?
*Michigan played just good enough to win.
*So did Ohio State.
*Is ECU really that good?
*I am still sick and tired of Brett Farve. Come on people! It was the Dolphins! By the way, how good does my prediction of this game look now? Not quite 100%. But I damn near called it. Allow me to pause while I pat myself on the back.
*Starting Schaub instead of Rivers in my Fantasy League was not as smart as I thought it would be.

The Browns *UGH*
Where to begin. For the moment I am going to overlook the dropped passes by Edwards and Winslow. I am also going to overlook how poorly the o-line played. I am also going to overlook the fact that on any given play, Romo had 45 seconds to get rid of the football. You have 4th and 3 with 10 minutes to play. You are down 21. I have 2 questions. 1. Why the hell didn’t he go for it? 2. Why the hell didn’t he go for it.

The Wolverines
As I mentioned earlier, they played just good enough beat a bottom feeder MAC team. Here is what I took out of the game. The defense is coming around and looked pretty solid save for a couple of late drives by Miami. I’ll take it. Steven Threet has potential. But wait, what do they say about potential? It means you suck now. While I wouldn’t go that far with it, he does need to work on his decision making and accuracy. Given that he is facing the fire for the first time, I can live with it. What I love about the guys is his elusiveness. Granted, it was Miami (OH), but he seemed to have a knack for making guys miss when he scrambled. While I am not promising victory just yet, I do believe he is the kind of quarterback that could cause Ohio State problems. IF, he works on his decision making and accuracy.

We’re gonna try something new here today. The Little Mime of Hate and will be combining our posts to lay out our predictions for the AFC North. So without further ado…

1st Place
Mummer: Cleveland Browns (10-6)
I didn’t put them here because it’s the hometown team. I did it for a few reasons, the first being that they are stacked on offense. Great WR group, a bruising RB, a SOLDIER at TE, possibly one of the best offensive lines in the NFL, and one great QB. Unfortunately, the great QB is sitting on the bench in favor of Kelly Holcomb’s illegitimate son. The defensive side of the ball is a big question mark, but I think the additions to the D-Line will help tremendously. The only weak spot on this team is at DB, but I don’t think it will be the issue everyone thinks it will be. Wright and McDonald were solid last year, and don’t forget that we have Sean Jones and Brodney Pool patrolling the backyard with them.

Little Mime of Hate: Pittsburgh Steelers (10-6)
As much as I want to buy into this, I am not sold yet. The secondary got pasted in the preseason. That is not a good sign. The other problem i have is that the Browns haven't proved the can beat the Steelers yet. To win the North, they are going to have to at least split. Steelers win the north. I think 10-6 is a good mark. 9-7 wouldn't surprise me either.

PS. It's Soldia.


2nd Place
Mummer: Baltimore Ravens (8-8)
I know this is going to surprise some people, but I really think they will end up here at the end of the year. Troy Smith is going to surprise a lot of people that didn’t get to watch him every Saturday while he was in Columbus. Plus, that defense is going to keep you in almost every game you play.

LMoH: Cleveland Browns (8-8/9-7)
You are a g.d. moron. Brown's find a way to take 2nd. 8-8 or 9-7 will get it done. The Bengals close in with a late season run.


3rd Place
Mummer: Pittsburgh Steelers (7-9)
The offensive line is horrendous. Willie Parker is banged up. Ben Roethlisberger is a b---.
I think that pretty much sums up this team.

LMoH: Cincinnati Bengals (8-8)
Ugh. Bengals finish on a tear to get to 8-8. A sweep by the Brown's keeps them in 3rd.


4th Place
Mummer: Cincinnati Bengals (4-12)
I truly feel bad for Carson Palmer. He leaves everything on the field, never complains and his reward is having to put up with a team of misfits. He fits in with that team about as well as Michael will fit in at West Beverly High. I can see it now, Shannon Doherty looks at him and asks "How my hair look Mike?" To which he replies "You look good girl" and then promptly shoots her in the earhole.

LMoH: Baltimore Ravens (5-11)
While I agree with your assessment of Palmer, how about Troy Smith. As you read this keep one thing in mind, I HATE TROY SMITH. Now, the guys works his ass off to get in back in game shape after weighing in at 300lbs against Florida, basically wins the starting job. All he has to do is be semi-impressive in his starting role in the preseason. What happens? The guys gets Polio or the plague or something like that and is quarantined. Quarantined I say. Who gets quarantined? Ravens finish sub .500 again. If they're lucky they get to 5-11.

PS. Love the 90210/The Wire reference. Is he going to be the guy that says.... "damn" and "That's whack!"?

I was all set to sit and watch the first Brown’s game of the ’08 campaign, but instead I spent the evening in a Nyquil induced coma. With the Mummer at work for the evening, we were not able to cover much of the game. I did get to listen to the first series of both the Browns and Jets on my ride home from work. So here are some quick hits.

Derek Anderson appears to have improved in his decision making abilities. At one point he tucked the ball and ran for 9 yards instead forcing a pass into coverage. That same play last season would have resulted in an interception.
“3-yards and a cloud of dust.” Jamal Lewis and O-Line are ready to play some Big Ten football. Both seemed impressive in their one and only drive.
Defensively, as we all saw in the highlights, the second string secondary got torched. However, the first string seemed to get the job done in the first quarter with a pair of impressive stop on third and fourth down stops.

Moon Man
Tiger Woods had surgery today but fear not, I just saw his newest Gatorade commercial, and it looks like he will now be playing on the moon.

Not So Jolly Fat Man
Rick Dutrow, owner of Big Brown, received a 15-day ban for steroid use. I had no idea steroids could make you so fat and sweaty.I Love Pancakes
Major League Baseball is expected to rule this week on whether or not it should ban the use of the maple model bats. Not to go all "Mad Money" on you, but I expect this ban to do big things for "Mrs. Butterworth's" stock.

Support the Arts
In closing, please go pick up a copy of the new football movie, "Meet the Browns - A Tyler Perry Joint". I hear it's really good.