I initiated an email conversation with the LMoH the other day because of a SI.com article that said the Browns are interested in Beanie Wells. I say it would be a good pick, he disagrees. A conversation like this would be great for a radio show or podcast but since both of us have a face for radio and a voice for print, we’ll just let you read along. Keep in mind, quoted stats were done on the fly and may or may not be 100% accurate.


Mummer: This is good news for everybody in Cleveland.

LMoH: That is terrible news. You don’t NEED a running back right now. You WANT a running back right now. You NEED HELP DEFENSIVELY. Beanie Wells isn’t going to add another three or four wins next season. A solid linebacker and a solid DB just might. You are an idiot.
Oh and by the way, Lewis did go for 1,000 yards last year on a team that won four or five games. That’s pretty damn impressive. I say again… you sir… are an idiot.

Mummer: If you HAVE a top 5 PICK, you do NOT draft out OF need. You draft THE best player available. If WELLS is the best PLAYER available, you DRAFT him. You’re CAPITALIZATION of key WORDS makes me want TO slap you with a WHALES vagina.

LMoH: Two words…Willie Green.

Mummer: Willie Green was not NFL ready.

LMoH: You Ohio State fans are ridiculous. They are throwing a draft pick away by drafting him, even if he does become a Pro Bowl RB.

Mummer: Look at what Chris Johnson, Jonathan Stewart and Michael Turner did for their teams. I want that.

LMoH: I will grant you that. By the way, the Lions drafted the best player on the board four years in a row. I believe they went 0-16 last season. Maybe they should have drafted out of need a little more. I am stunned to hear you talk this way; you’re too smart for this.

Mummer: You are wrong there. The Lions didn’t have a top ten draft pick last year, I believe they had a mid-first round pick. The year before that was Megatron, the only reason they were competitive last year, and I’m not sure who they drafted in 2006. It was the years before that when they made the ignorant decisions to take Mike Williams and Charles Rogers. Either way, neither of those guys were top five picks. Wells however, is a top five pick. He is Larry Johnson reincarnated.

LMoH: My bad, but I’m sure you get the point though. And if by saying Beanie Wells is “Larry Johson reincarnated” you mean a running back that can only run behind an All-Pro line and is a cancer in the locker room, then sign me up. Sounds like a top five guy to me.

Mummer: You know what I mean. He has Larry Johnson-like skills.
In his defense, the O-Line he ran behind at OSU was sub-par and he still put up solid numbers. He’s the most NFL ready RB in the draft this year. Moreno is terrible.

LMoH: Because he is the most NFL ready running back doesn’t make him a top five pick. Lewis, Harrison and Wright are more than adequate RB’s. You have to fix the defense to be competitive. I could be wrong, but I believe three of the final four teams last year had defenses ranked one, two, and four. Even the much maligned Cardinals defense played impressive football throughout the playoffs. Like I said, I could be wrong.

Mummer: I agree that they need a linebacker, but I don’t know if you can take a LB at the fifth spot in this years draft. They absolutely can’t take Jenkins, that would be too high for him. That’s why I think Wells fits.

LMoH: Then trade down and get Rey Maualuga. We both agree he helps this team right now. I strongly disagree that Wells can help the team from day one.

Mummer: Wells is a much better long term option for the team. You get him for six years, Lewis has maybe two left in his tank. Guys like Wells don’t come around very often.

LMoH: You are killing me. You win with defense so start building it now. Every team in the league understands that you win with defense except the Browns, Lions and Bengals. They all did really well last year.

Mummer: You’re sarcasm in print makes you sound incompetent, not far off from how you come across in person. That being said, you can build a good defense in the second, third, and fourth, rounds. Look at Bob Sanders…2nd round, Joey Porter…3rd round, Jared Allen…4th round, James Harrison…undrafted. Not to mention, D’Qwell Jackson led the league in tackles last year, our linebackers aren’t terrible. We need a RB first, then DB.

LMoH: You disgust me, this whole thing disgusts me. If the Browns draft Wells I am done with them. DONE! The only team I will root for is the *Removed*, my fantasy team.
(Editors Note: In the interest of anonymity I will not post his fantasy football team name. But let’s just say it rhymes with “Dong Swallowing All-Star”.)

Mummer: The Defense was better than the Offense last year. That is fact.

LMoH: Which brings me to segment I’d like to steal outright from Saturday Night Live titled “Really, the Defense was better than the Offense, with the LMoH”

Really?
They gave up 20 or more points eight times, and 14 or more points thirteen times.
Really? They’re gonna win a Super Bowl with a defense that gets worked harder than that crusty towel in your closet?
They recorded 0 sacks in 6 games, and 1 sack in 5 games.
Really? Dakota Fanning has seen more sacks and she’s five.
They gave up 300 or more yards to a quarterback twice, including 400+ once, and 250+ four times.
Really? No wonder Derek Anderson was the starter for so long, he must have looked like Joe Montana in practice.
They gave up 150 yards to a single rusher three times, 100 yards or more eight times. And 80 or more yards ten times.
Really? I don’t have anything funny to say about that…it’s just sad.
They gave up 80 yards or more to a single receiver fourteen times, 90 or more ten times, 100 yards six times, and 150 twice.
Really? Wait a minute, I thought Crennel was a defensive guru.

So fine, the Defense might have been better than the Offense, but let’s face it, that isn’t saying much. Cleveland has drafted a player on Offense with 7 out of their 10 first round picks since they came back. Their record in that span is 54-106 with TWO seasons above 500. Maybe it’s time to try something a little different.

Mummer: Dakota Fanning is still five years old?

LMoH: Also, look at some of the top rushers for this year.

2. Michael Turner RB, ATL Drafted: 5th round
4. Clinton Portis RB, WAS Drafted: 2nd round
6. Steve Slaton RB, HOU Drafted: 3rd round
7. Matt Forte RB, CHI Drafted: 2nd round
9. Ryan Grant RB, GNB Drafted: N/A
11. Brandon Jacobs RB, NYG Drafted: 4th round
14. Frank Gore RB, SFO Drafted: 3rd
15. Derrick Ward RB, NYG Drafted: 7th round

Mummer: I refuse to believe that there is another player out there who will be as good as Wells when the pick gets to us. We need a RB of the future. We’ve needed one for the last 10 years. Defensive backs and linebackers are a dime a dozen. The Browns passed on LT a few years back as well…just an FYI.

LMoH: Yeah, they also passed on Adrian Peterson, both were good decisions at the time.

Mummer: If you have a chance to take either of those guys, who in my opinion are two of the best RB’s the NFL has seen over the last 15 years, you have to take them. I truly believe Beanie will be a great NFL RB, especially in the cold weather of Cleveland. He’s a cross between Peterson and Jacobs.

I rest my case.

Tyler Perry is a fraud. When will Hollywood realize he is ripping off the Ernest franchise?

SI.com is reporting the Cavs are exploring a trade that would bring Antawn Jamison to Cleveland. Story Here.

All I have to say is it was nice knowing you Wally. Allow me and pretty much everyone else in Cleveland to help you pack and get your ass on the next flight to D.C.

Brett Favre retires while the world mourns and Wrangler stocks plummet.

Don't believe me?

Look at this, and this, and this, and this, and this, and this, and this, and this, and this, and this, and this, and this, and this, and this, and this, and this, and this, and this.

You know who's ecstatic about this A-Rod story?
THIS GUY!

This mother fucker is accused of snorting coke off a toilet seat! In a public bathroom no less! If you were to give me $100 bucks to bend over and sniff a public toilet seat I'd tell you to go fuck your mother. I'd rather have a dead clown fall out of my pee hole than do that shit. But this guy not only gets that close but goes even further by putting his nose to the seat to get the coke! Unbelievable story and it's been buried because A-Rod tested positive for being a douche bag. Can we please get a photo of this bathroom stall? I really hope it looks something like this.

What's the one thing that our blog is lacking? If you're first thought was humor, or intelligent conversation, then you sir can go fuck yourself. I feel our blog is lacking some good looking ladies. So to rectify this, we're going to start posting our celebrity sports girl of the week. To start it off, here is Ms. Alicia Sacramone from the US Olympics squad. She's fantastic.


Also, we're not against putting up a non-celebrity as the "Something to Stare At" girl of the week. ESPN has Erin Andrews, SI.com has Peter King (Here's one thing I think I think...you're a douche), and now we need our girl. Female readers please unite and send us your picture so you can become the official "Cleveland Sports Mimes Girl".

For more pictures to stare at, check this out.

Photo Courtesy of NFLJuice.com

Take a look at that picture. It's Anquan Boldin before and after the hit by Eric Smith that collapsed his face. I know it doesn't look like much, but that was a vicious hit and Eric Smith isn't exactly known for stuff like that. My question to you is this...that face can't be completely healed, so if Ryan Clark were to hit him like he hit Wes Welker or Willis McGahee, would Boldin's stitches and bolts explode on the spot to make him look something more like this?

So, have you seen this commercial for Discovery Channel's new show "One Way Out"? It shows Jonathan Goodwin, the host and escapologist, getting out of sticky situations and ends with him putting a scorpion in his mouth than having it duct taped shut. Fucking brilliant! I love escape artists almost as much as I love snow and dog shit. However, this guy calling himself an escape artist is like me calling myself a Jedi Knight. His first show features a stunt where he locks himself in an office and needs to escape, but fails. Okay that's fine, they want to show he won't succeed every week, I get that. But shouldn't he succeed at something!?! Check out this clip.

(The good part comes at the 4:40 mark)

Here is one of the few non sports related posts I will share with you. I watched my father by a 37" Sharp Aquos at HHGregg last night. It made me insanely jealous. Jealous to the point that I  began to wonder if I might get in the event "something should happen to him." Just kidding Pops. Kind of. So I spent much of this morning cruising the net looking for the gem that would become my new television once I get my income tax refund. Liking the prices I saw at HHGregg last night, I decided to roll over to their website where I was greeted with this bullshit.

Note the price of said television. "See retail store for price". Aren't they completely missing the point of the Internet. What kind of horse shit is this? It's 10 degrees out and has been snowing non-stop for a week. See retail store for price? Fuck you! I'll go to bestbuy.com where i can make the purchase online and then pick it up at the store conveniently located at the end of my street. 

For the remainder of the season we’re going to abandon the way we’ve done picks thus far. Right now I’m three games behind the LMoH and the only way I can tie him is to pick the opposite of what he likes. That being said he likes the favorites in both games today.

Philadelphia at Arizona (PHI -1)
and
Baltimore at Pittsburgh (PIT -2)

Personally, I couldn’t be happier with these picks. I’m in love with Arizona right now, it just looks like they can do no wrong and I’ll take Kurt Warner over McNabb in a championship game any day of the week. As for Baltimore/Pittsburgh, I was on the fence about both so either team is fine by me. My perfect scenario for this game is both starting QB’s get injured early and Troy Smith comes to the rescue and posts the single greatest playoff performance ever. I truly believe he is better than Joe Flacco. Fingers crossed!

All I can say is, thank Christ Pitt didn't the National Championship.

Thanks to Deadspin for posting this video.

The NBA said yesterday that it will not fine the Blazers because Pres Larry Miller threatened to sue any team that signs Darius Miles. In a public statement the league said that having Miles contract count against their cap space is punishment enough. Any team that would willingly sign Miles to a $9 Million contract has punished themselves. Any league punishment would just be salt in the wound.

The D-League has granted some team a protest in their loss to some other team because one of the teams players was inadvertently fouled out. The coach from some team could be heard shouting “Do Over! Do Over!” as the game ended.

The Knicks Eddie Curry is being sued for what amounts to being a horrible human being. One of the complaints from the “victim” is that Curry ask him to do “"humiliating tasks outside the scope of his employment, such as cleaning up and removing dirty towels [into which Curry had ejaculated] so that his wife would not see them," the Manhattan federal court suit says” On a side note, it makes feel better about myself. I thought I was the only guy that j*zzed into towels.

This from ESPN.com
Irvin: Men in truck flashed gun, talked Cowboys from ESPN.com by ESPN.com news services
Hall of Fame receiver Michael Irvin says he calmly chatted with a gunman in another vehicle after the armed passenger turned out to be a Dallas Cowboys fan.

Michael, your verbiage is a little mixed up. The gunman was not a Cowboys fan. He was your accomplice.

Also from ESPN.com
Assistant coaches injured after four-floor fall.
Two assistant coaches apparently wrestling with each other fell through a hotel window Tuesday morning and fell four stories to a concrete sidewalk, leaving one in serious condition.

We are still waiting to find out if the two coaches were Mangini and Crenell.

I don't really have much to talk about to open this post. I just got finished watching the Cavs slap around the Celtics like a two dollar whore and can't get the thoughts of a championship out of my head. So let's get right to the picks.


Baltimore at Tennessee (BAL -1.5)
Mummer: Tennessee
How in the holy fuck is a JOE FLACCO led Ravens team favored on the road? He's a rookie, in the playoffs, on the road! The Ravens team is getting more love than a fifteen year old's tube sock, and it makes me sick.

LMoH: Ravens

I can't possibly follow your stunning analysis.

Arizona at Carolina (CAR -6)
Mummer: Arizona
This is a dumb pick. I'm completely sold on the Cardinals right now for absolutely no good reason.

LMoH: Panthers
Every other odds maker is giving the Cards 10. I don't like 10, but I'll take 6.

Philadelphia at New York Giants (NYG -2)
Mummer: New York Giants
I have zero interest in this game. I can't decide if Andy Reid is better at sucking the fun out of games or sucking the jelly out of donut.

LMoH: Giants
You are on fire today.

Three Words... Sports Illustrated Curse.

San Diego at Pittsburgh (PIT -3)
Mummer: San Diego
To think that the concussion received at the hands of Willie McGinest may play some factor in this game gives me a fat one.

LMoH: Steelers

I just can't pick against that Steelers "D". I hate everything about the fucking Steelers, starting with their drama queen QB. I just can't bring myself to pick against that "D".

Does the rest of the country know something we don't?

The LMoH and I have ended our prediction challenge for the season in a tie. To settle this we're gonna have a staring contest with Stuart Scott. The first one of us to vomit or bleed from their eyes loses. We just need Stu to answer our phone calls. So until that happens we're just gonna continue our picks through the playoffs.

Enjoy.


Atlanta at Arizona (Even)
Mummer: Arizona
A rookie QB on the road in the playoffs almost never wins. Well, except for the shithead that plays for Pittsburgh right now.

LMoH: Cardinals
I agree with The Mummer. Plus, I love the Cards at home.

Indianapolis at San Diego (IND -2 )
Mummer: Indianapolis
Indy finds a way to win, plain and simple. Also, watch out if that corpse wearing Harrison's jersey shows up to play, he could be the difference maker.

LMoH: Chargers
The Mummer has had to listen to me bitch about the fact that Rivers is the real MVP this season. I love the fact that the Chargers at home. Rivers goes off again and leads the Chargers to a second round exit.

Baltimore at Miami (BAL -3.5 )
Mummer: Miami
Again, rookie QB on the road.

LMoH: Dolphins
I really like the Ravens in this one. However, I really only like one road team to get a victory this weekend. That one road team is not the Ravens. I love Flacco. I love that defense. I just think Pennington is playing for more. I think he loves that he is in the playoffs and our favorite attention whore Brett "Bonds" Farve is back in Mississippi.

Philadelphia at Minnesota (PHL -3)
Mummer: Minnesota
Adrian Peterson is a difference maker. By that I mean, as soon as I traded him in my fantasy league, he was the difference between me making the playoffs and not. DON'T MAKE TRADES WHILE DRINKING.

LMoH: Eagles
Guess who he traded A.P. to...yes, I anally raped him while he was drinking. I went on to finish 11-2 and runner up in the playoffs. The Eagles are the one road team I like to win this weekend. It's not because I am drinking the kool aid. Tarvaris Jackson is not very good and apparently home field won't mean much since the puke's in Minnesota couldn't even sell out a playoff game. You should all be ashamed of yourselves. This where I roll up a newspaper and smack you on the nose.

It's about time we do a little more than just mention in passing that the Cavs are having a stellar season thus far. This kind of play warrants an entire post dedicated to them. As of tonight they have the third best record in the NBA bested only by the Celtics and Lakers who have the same number of losses, being five.

Steve Jones of NBCSports.com wrote a great article about the Cavaliers and their chances of winning a title this year. Definitely worth the read if not only for the fact that he mentions how playing with Kobe Bryant in Beijing was a positive experience for LeBron.

Also worth mentioning about the Cavs this season is their ridiculous home record of 16-0. To think that since the 2005-06 season they are 104-35 at home is unbelievable. That's a .748 winning percentage which virtually guarantees that if you attend home games in a sporadic fashion you're gonna see a Cavs victory. Not bad at all considering the Browns home winning percentage is a disgusting .438. Way to go Brownies!